Looking for shit, overhyped and overpriced breakfast in London? Look no further than The Breakfast Club.
The Breakfast Club was not out first choice, we were actually planning to go to Fantasia in Clapham Old Town (which is fantastic) but it was closed for refurbishment. The Breakfast Club usually has a queue outside it so we figured that it must be good. On the day we went it didnt have a queue. We should have taken this as a warning sign. We didn’t.
To start – for a place that has “breakfast” in its name, you would think that the one things they would be able to do right is FUCKING BREAKFAST. By the time we got there it was 2pm. I hadn’t eaten since 8pm the previous night and I went to the gym in the morning. I was prepping this hunger for Fantasia because I know Fantasia is LIT. I was genuinely starving.
We ordered the “full monty” and the “veggie reggie” or whatever the fuck the name is. It doesn’t matter, they were both exceedingly shit. The taste was as if the only seasoning the chef had available in the kitchen were his greasy ass balls and sweaty butthole. The mushrooms were like eating charred, shrivelled snails. They had the audacity to replace hash browns with bland as fuck “house potatoes”. How the hell do you make fried potatoes taste of NOTHING? My veggie sausage was like eating someone’s dehydrated salted shit. The toast had zero butter (why?). I blocked out the eggs and beans as I was starving as fuck and hangry and needed food asap. The mug they served my tea in was dirty, but I guess that makes it authentic right?
The toilets? I guess the entire experience can be summed up in the state of the toilets there: 3 toilets full of explosive diarrhoea and piss. Toilet paper on the floor.
The service was shit too. The place wasn’t busy but they made us wait. The worst part was paying. The price covered 3 meals at mcd’s (at least I would have finished those meals). They hurt me where I am cheap.
I guess this place appeals to those super bland as fuck Shoreditch types (You know, the ones who didnt get the memo in 2009 and still think Shoreditch/Hackney is edgy as fuck). They have no concept of taste and just want to insta their food in a place that has a nice logo.